2014 - Race 2 - Malaysian GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

HOW DO YOU WRITE ZERO IN ROMAN NUMERALS?

USELESS FACT:

"HUH?" MEANS THE SAME THING IN EVERY LANGUAGE.

 

This year we have so many rule changes in F1 it looks like a sport assembled by a committee of dyslexic attention deficit teenagers.  New engines, new fuel weight rules, new fuel consumption rate rules, new body height and width rules leading to new aerodynamic shapes.  It could lead to more unexpected excitement than that first furtive teenage fumble.  So, in Malaysia who came away with a smile and who got their face slapped?

In the battle of the genders the men demolished the ladies by 404 points to 365, thus extending their overall lead to a jumbo 747 points to 706.  This reinforces the men’s view that women are like wheelbarrows; useful only when pushed and very easily upset.

Now, who in Malaysia were left feeling as lost as flight MH370?  In 84^th place with 260 points we have I'm The Taxman falling faster than Sunderland’s chances of avoiding relegation.  In 85^th place with 255 points we have Bill's No Hopers proving an accurate description of his chances if things don’t improve.  In 86^th place with 234 points we have Whickham Racers starting slowly again, like an arthritic pensioner climbing stairs.  In 87^th place with 233 points we have Mustang Sally starting with a walk before she hopefully breaks into a gallop.  In 88^th place with 231 points we have Team Mackarel with a result that smells worse than a rotten fish on a radiator.  In 89^th place with 180 points we have Hezza's Hero's showing that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks as last season’ disaster has taught her nothing.  In 90^th place with 165 points we have Do'nut Donnelly scoring slightly more points than the shape in the middle of his do’nut.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 91^st place with 157 points we have Honey, Honey falling from mid-table mediocrity to abject failure.  In 92^nd place with 125 points we have Abu Dhabi or Bust running out of steam already, let alone getting to Abu Dhabi.  In 93^rd and last place with 6 points we have FlippersDivers V1 diving to the bottom without the aid of lead boots.

Now, who’s suddenly happier than a Lottery winner?  In 10^th place with 560 points we have Baja Scoch 2 finally getting a team in the top ten and proving that he can tell his arse from his elbow.  In 9^th place with 571 points we have Bona Eventui having a good time and hoping for better.  In 8^th place with 574 points we have Henry's Cars doing better than his Dad has done for years.  In 7^th place with 600 points we have Debbie Does Dallas performing like a pro and the only entrant to finish in the top ten in both of the first two races.  In 6^th place with 601 points we have Thor's Hammer making the sparks fly. In 5^th place with 620 points we have Breaking Down Bad showing it’s easy to get this high without the aid of crystal meth.  In 4^th place with 626 points we have Titan Uranus putting in a bootiful performance.

Who are those on the podium that are happier than a politician in a safe seat?  In 3^rd place with 645 points we have Luck of the Irish getting some luck and leaping from debacle to decency.  In 2^nd place with 652 points we have Stig Of The Dump showing he’s more Stig and less Dump.  Finally, cue the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner with 695 points is Glutæus Maximus, proving that he’s not a total arse.

In the overall standings I think we can already see a trend developing at the end where they are so far down light doesn’t penetrate.  In joint 83^rd place with 472 points we have 203020 and Zabaleta is a Manc whose chances of winning are now slimmer than Nigel Farage’s support for the European Union.  In 85^th place with 468 points we have Hezza's Hero's who is now immune to the barbs and arrows of failure having been used as target practice by me far too many times for one so knowledgeable in this field.  In 86^th place with 456 points we have Nandrolone who clearly fails the dope test again.  In 87^th place with 445 points we have Claire Teuma proving her claim that she knows nothing about F1 even though she’s spent more years doing this than Ronnie Biggs served in jail for the Great Train Robbery.  In 88^th place with 432 points we have Bottom of the Barrel +1 now achieving bottom +6.  In 89^th place with 405 points we have Honey, Honey rewarded for performances that are anything but sweet.  In 90^th place with 402 points we have FlippersDivers V1 slipping beneath the waves.

Which triumvirate occupying the inverse podium of shame are as nervous as a teenage nudist in a catholic school?  In 91^st place with 372 points we have Team Mackarel not being slippery enough to escape from this net.  In 92^nd place with 371 points we have Abu Dhabi or Bust who, unlike Abu Dhabi, looks like he’s going bust.  In 93^rd and last place with 308 points we have Do'nut Donnelly reaping the reward for his disaster in Malaya.

In 10^th place with 1081 points we have Bona Eventui enjoying good fortune and hoping for some good cake as desert.  In 9^th place with 1084 points we have Titan Uranus an anagram of Taunt As I Run which describes how runs to the toilet when he’s caught short.  In 8th place with 1104 points we have Evo who knows that some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.  In 7^th place with 1113 points we have Breaking Down Bad hoping that he’s formulated a recipe for success.  In 6^th place with 1116 points we have Kaiser dreaming of world domination…again.  In 5^th place with 1121 points we have The Don hoping that his traditional tools of bribery and threats of extreme violence will bring him the rewards he expects.  In 4^th place with 1143 points we have Stig Of The Dump coming up smelling of roses for a change.

Now, who occupies the podium this time and gets to gloat until the next race?  In 3^rd place with 1178 points we have Debbie Does Dallas going up for a change instead of going down.  In 2^nd place with 1191 points we have Mr Kobyashi who wanted to be professional fisherman until he discovered he couldn't live on his net income.  Finally, cue the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner with 1226 points is Glutæus Maximus, using his outstanding feature to squash all opposition the same way as he squashes all cushions.

The next race is the Bahrain GP on Sunday 6^th April, where it is most unlikely there will be rain of any sort.

Regards,

Lawrence.