2014 - Race 3 - Bahrain GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

IF A JOGGER RUNS AT THE SPEED OF SOUND, CAN HE STILL HEAR HIS WALKMAN?

USELESS FACT:

THERE'S ONLY ONE SNEEZE IN THE BIBLE.

 

Red Bull Australian GP Appeal Verdict

The appeal by Red Bull against the disqualification of Daniel Ricciardo from second place in the Australian GP was heard on 14^th April and the appeal was rejected.  The points awarded are therefore unchanged.

 

Spring has finally arrived!  I know because I was able to ride my bike this week for the first time this year without waterproofs and/or full winter thermals.  It made a pleasant change to have a warm wind blowing up my crotch and through my helmet.  I’m now looking forward to going to Spain for our cycle club annual one week holiday on 1^st May with 12 other old farts – average age 68¾ – and two youngsters who will grossly embarrass us.  We can pretend it is summer, however we’ll have to wait a few months for summer to arrive in Britain and if we’re lucky it will last for a whole weekend, so look out for it.  So, who got the oil and who got the sand in Bahrain?

In the battle of the genders the ladies gained revenge on the men, beating them by 466 points to 442, thus reinforcing their view that giving men an opinion is as clever as giving a balloon to a hedgehog.  In the overall battle the men’s lead is now reduced to 1,188 points to 1,172.  This reinforces the men’s view that women are like cats eyes, only useful when you keep them in the dark.

Now, who in Bahrain were left feeling as uncomfortable as an Eskimo in a sauna?  In 84^th place with 328 points we have McLaren All The Way failing to meet expectations, just like the real McLaren team.  In 85^th place with 315 points we have Fletch Lives suffering from balderdash, which in his case is a noun meaning a rapidly receding hairline.  In 86^th place with 313 points we have Erik Estrada suffering from a bad dose of glibido: all talk and no action.  In 87^th place with 311 points we have Do'nut Donnelly collapsing like a pack of cards again.  In 88^th place with 279 points we have Hezza's Hero's continuing to perform like Hezza’s Martyrs.  In 89^th place with 276 points we have El Paso by Marty Robins whose body is a temple to his religion…he’s a Pastafarian.  In 90^th place with 269 points we have Bring Back Kinnear, but only so we can lynch him.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame, in 91^st place with 254 points we have On the Right Track but only if he’s a funeral director as this looks like a dead duck.  In 92^nd place with 206 points we have FlippersDivers V1 going deeper than a nuclear submarine.  In 93^rd and last place with 139 points we have Abu Dhabi or Bust slipping only one place but the duffers hit the buffers.

Now, who’s suddenly happier than a Groundhog when the sun shines?  In 10^th place with 590 points we have Bad Hat Harry who needs a bigger hat now to cope with his bigger head.  In 9^th place with 595 points we have Mr Kobyashi showing more stamina than Mo Farah.  In 8^th place with 609 points we have Titan Uranus slackening his grip slightly but, thankfully, not following through.  In 7^th place with 635 points we have Antenociticus who puts the gin into virgins…frequently when he was younger.  In 6^th place again with 638 points we have Thor's Hammer making more noise than he does after a good curry.  In 5^th place with 646 points we have Hadley GP improving again, which is just what the doctor ordered.  In 4^th place with 674 points we have Deb's Delights whose embarrassment at continuing to beat her inferior other is reflected in her literary preference and face which is now 50 shades of red.

Who are those on the podium that are happier than an MP managing to hide their expenses?  In 3^rd place with 680 points we have Kaiser digging in for a long campaign.  In 2^nd place with 705 points we have Glutæus Maximus squeezing in again with more success than he has squeezing into a pair of jeans.  Finally, cue the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner with 707 points is Evo who is trying to overcome her addiction to glossy magazines targeted at women that make her feel inferior.

In the overall standings the trend developing at the bottom end is now obvious to even the blind.  In 84^th place with 831 points we have Why F1 When You Can F2? whose idea of taking more exercise is playing FIFA14 on Xbox.  In 85^th place with 828 points we have Claire Teuma who has more chance of finding intelligent life on Mars than winning this season.  In 86^th place with 827 points we have Honey, Honey with a performance that is more nasty than tasty.  In 87^th place with 816 points we have Bottom of the Barrel +1 whose latest get-rich-quick scheme is selling dehydrated rain to the Arabs to solve their water shortage.  In 88^th place with 787 points we have Team Mackarel who should have spent more time picking her team than her high heels for a night out.  In 89^th place with 774 points we have El Paso by Marty Robins a cowboy team name with a cowboy theme tune.  In 90^th place with 747 points we have Hezza's Hero's considering appealing to the European Court of Human Rights because her team appeals to no-one.

Which triumvirate occupying the inverse podium of shame are as nervous as a turkey before Christmas?  In 91^st place with 619 points we have Do'nut Donnelly whose hopes are now flatter than a stottie put through a mangle.  In 92^nd place with 608 points we have FlippersDivers V1 who went to Aintree for the Grand National and a bloke next to him whispered "Do you want the winner of the National?" He replied "No thanks, I've only got a small garden."  In 93^rd and last place with 510 points we have Abu Dhabi or Bust who recently found a letter lying on his doormat. It said 'DO NOT BEND' on the envelope and he spent the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

Who are at the top of the tree.  In 10^th place with 1656 points we have Bad Hat Harry putting on a topper.  In 9^th place with 1687 points we have Stig Of The Dump getting dumped down the order.  In 8th place with 1692 points we have Breaking Down Bad finding the recipe for success so far.  In 7^th place with 1693 points we have Titan Uranus who has found that in mid-life your memory starts to go and the only thing you can retain is water.  In 6^th place with 1700 points we have Thor's Hammer who is supposed to respect his elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for him to find one now.  In 5^th place with 1746 points we have Debbie Does Dallas who has been known to look at her know-it-all, mobile phone carrying teenage son and think, 'For this I have stretch marks?'  In 4^th place with 1786 points we have Mr Kobyashi slipping off the podium and off the wagon.

Now, who occupies the podium this time and gets to gloat until the next race?  In 3^rd place with 1796 points we have Kaiser hoping that third place brings him more luck than the Third Reich did for his predecessor.  In 2^nd place with 1811 points we have Evo leaping onto the podium and putting the evo into evocative.  Finally, cue the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our leader with 1931 points is still Glutæus Maximus, who knows that life throws us all some curves and he’s sitting on his biggest one.

The next race is the Chinese GP on Sunday 20^th April.

 

Regards,

Lawrence.