2013 - Race 12 - Italian GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

WHY DO WE SCRUB DOWN AND WASH UP?

USELESS FACT:

OLD PEOPLE DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SHORT TERM MEMORY STORAGE.  MEMORY STORAGE IS NOT THE PROBLEM; MEMORY RETRIEVAL IS THE PROBLEM.

 

OK.  Own up.  Who stole the sun at home?  I’m trying to write this while enjoying the sun on our holiday in Barcelona followed by a western Mediterranean cruise.  Our holiday started disastrously as we booked into our hotel in Barcelona to find that the company we had booked our hotel reservation through in August, Navelar GMBH, had taken our money then cancelled our booking with the hotel three weeks later without paying them, and have apparently gone bust, so we have had to pay for the hotel again.  Two days after we got there a French couple booked into the hotel and they had also booked through Navelar so were in the same position.  Thanks Trivargo!  I'm trying to get my money back from Barclays but I bet I’ll find out that they won't pay up for highway robbery and piracy as bankers are in the same union as them!  So, who finished the Italian GP in the same foul mood that I am in with Navelar?

In the battle of the genders the men continued their interpretation of 50 Shades of Grey by humiliating the ladies again, winning by 448 points to 431.  In the overall race the men now lead the ladies by 5544 points to 5382, thus maintaining their view that girls are like a Rubik cube…you can manipulate them as much as you like but it's almost  impossible to get the result you want.

Now, whose performance in Italy left them feeling like Mussolini…that they’d been hung out to dry?  In 107^th place with 305 points we have Victoria Concordia Crescit failing to maintain the status quo by going descendit, descendit, deeper and descendit.  Making his seasonal debut in 108^th place with 302 points we have Luck of the Irish with a performance that shows the Irish don’t have any luck.  Making her seasonal debut in 109^th place with 301 points is Kerrie Goodall 1 looking for her suspenders as she needs something to keep her up.  In joint 110^th place with 278 points we have Baja Scoch and The Beast's Revenge with a double act as useless as Jedward.  In 112^th place with 263 points we have Mark Thompson crying into his beer.  Returning to the bowels of the earth in 113^th place with 257 points we have Blanche, the prettiest welder I’ve ever met. 

Occupying the inverse podium of shame in 114^th place with 248 points we have Nicks Numpties who needs potty training after this.  In 115^th place with 163 points we have Larry's Shirt performing worse than Alice in Sunderland.  Finally, in last place with 159 points we have Pedro Gallagher with a performance that’s as much use as Navelar have been to me.

Now, who’s suddenly happier than a slimmer who’s lost a pound?  In joint 10^th place with 564 points we have Mickey's Motor and Pedro Leatherland laughing more than Laurel and Hardy.  In 9^th place with 565 points we have Robbies Banger Racing making the right noise again.  In 8^th place with 566 points we have Cymru F1 hoping this is not raising false expectations again.  In 7^th place with 573 points we have Series 6 Episode 45 with a repeat of race 2 but without being paid the repeat fee.  In 6^th place with 582 we have Catch Me If You Can playing catch up rather than leader of the pack.  In 5^th place with 590 points we have Donnelly's Danglers exposing themselves to more praise.  In 4^th place again with 599 points we have Stop Up Villa with a reprise of their last race performance.

Who are those on the podium that are happier than a cereal farmer at harvest this year?  In 3^rd place with 604 points we have Peter Leatherland continuing to perform at a level higher that his underwear waistband.  In 2^nd place with 608 points we have Robbie The Reindeer who is using this as a workout prior to the Christmas pantomime season.  Finally, taking the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner with 619 points is Singing In The Rain who is delighted that his drought has finished with a win at last.

In the overall standings whose standing is lower than Ed Milliband’s with The Daily Mail?  Falling back into bad habits again in 107^th place with 4640 points we have Nicks Numpties collapsing faster than a house of cards in a gale.  Slipping to 108^th place with 4629 points we have Blanche continuing to perform as if she’s been hit with her won hammer too often.  Climbing one rung on the ladder to 109^th place with 4542 points we have Martony Racing Two making slow progress, much like a visitor to Gibraltar at the border.  Rising to 110^th place with 4500 points we have Stuart Gunn praying for an amnesty so that he can hand himself in.  Plummeting to 111^th place with 4466 points we have Larry's Shirt heading for a charity shop.  Rising again to 112^th place with 4426 points we have Charlie Max Gallagher growing into this competition as he grows up.  Dropping closer to the inverse podium of shame in 113^th place with 4402 points we have Pedro Gallagher looking down when he hoped he’d be looking up.

Now, which triumvirate are occupying the inverse podium of shame now?  Rising to 114^th place with 4388 points we have Hezza's Heroes 2, but she’ll need a biblical resurrection if she’s to get out of here.  Slipping to 115^th place with 4379 points we have Peter Baker continuing to perform like he’s also slipping into a coma.  Finally, still in last place, with 4101 points we have Baja Scoch who is so far adrift he must be related to the Marie Celeste.

Now, whose dreams are burning brighter than the hopes of a slapper on a first date?  Still in 10^th place with 6292 points we have Turin Triumph hoping a shroud isn’t being drawn over his season.  Dropping like a stone to 9^th place with 6320 points we have Paul Szomoru hoping his dreams of a podium finish haven’t been dashed.  Collapsing like a drunk in a brewery to 8^th place with 6359 points we have Thank You Ke-mo Sah-bee galloping to oblivion.  Climbing one place to 7^th with 6360 points we have Pedro Leatherland trying to re-establish his reputation.  Dropping to 6^th place with 6364 points we have Erik The Elephant not trumpeting about this decline.  Rising like a fish to the bait in 5^th place with 6388 points we have Stop Up Villa thinking he’s dreaming as, like Villa, he’s performing above expectations.  Soaring like a salmon to 4^th place with 6424 points we have Houghton Bird getting closer to the biggest surprise she’s had outside of her bedroom.

Now, who have delusions of grandeur this time?  Jumping to 3^rd place with 6461 points we have Ayr Town Centre, a place I can never imagine is jumping with energy.  Still in 2^nd place with 6595 points we have Peter Leatherland who is beginning to wonder of he’s condemned to being the bridesmaid and never the bride but, either way, he doesn’t look pretty in a dress.  Finally, still our leader with 6655 points is Singing In The Rain who is singing at the lack of rain during this glorious, seemingly unending summer.

The next race is the Singapore GP on 22^nd September.

Regards,

Lawrence.