2013 - Race 15 - Japanese GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

WHY DO DISCUS THROWERS BECOME DIZZY BUT HAMMER THROWERS DON’T?

USELESS FACT:

YOU’RE BORN WITH 300 BONES BUT BY THE TIME YOU BECOME AN ADULT YOU ONLY HAVE 206.

 

Autumn creeps slowly on.  We have weather that is dramatically different from last year.  It’s still mild compared to last year when we had our first snow before the end of October, the first of seven consecutive months when it snowed on Tyneside.  So we approach Halloween when kids look forward to making pumpkin lanterns and dressing up, hoping to get sweets and treats by scaring the bejesus out of strangers and neighbours alike, while adults turn the lights off in the hope that no kid knocks on their door.  So, whose hopes of glory in Japan were cleaned out more than a pumpkin at Halloween?

In the battle of the genders the men continued to treat the ladies as dogs treat lampposts, winning by 354 points to 346.  In the overall race the men now lead the ladies by 6866 points to 6642, thus maintaining their view that girls are like Christmas lights...they all hang out together, half of them don't work, and the ones that do work aren't very bright. 

Our parade of the hopeless lead by the helpless has two more members making their seasonal debut.  Hallelujah!  In 107^th place with 198 points we have Luck of the Irish who is wondering how many black cats he’s run over to enjoy luck this bad.  In 108^th place with 180 points we have Shoes, Shoes, Shoes, & More Shoes!  returning to the basement in search of another bargain.  Making their debut in 109^th place with 169 points we have Never Red crawling out from under a rock thinking it’s safe and getting squashed by the rock.  In 110^th place with 159 points we have Bullet Proof Bomb returning to the site of previous embarrassment, like a stripper to a fan.  In 111^th place with 146 points we have The Wise One who has still not learnt his lesson.  In 112^th place with 141 points we have Mark Thompson who, as practice makes perfect, is more comfortable here than he should be.  In 113^th place with 124 points we have Parking at Rascasse happy that he’s not in last place again.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame in 114^th place with 100 points we have Mack the Knife making his debut with as much impact as a blunt fish knife.  In 115^th place with 95 points we have Flip Me Again who must be tossing and turning in his sleep with guilt.  Finally, in last place with 85 points we have On the Right Track? Who would rather scrub his scrotum with a stinging jellyfish than be here.

Now, who’s suddenly happier than a meteorologist with a correct weather forecast?  In 10^th place with 489 points we have Catch Me If You Can who knows that after reaching 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint you're probably dead.  In 9^th place with 499 points we have ROM making one last attempt to rescue his reputation as a man, but the jury’s still out on that.  In 8^th place with 501 points we have Martony Racing One returning again but now without any dreams of end of season glory.  In 7^th place with 503 points we have Cymru F1 keeping the flag flying for Wales.  In 6^th place with 504 we have Evo showing that I was wrong in the previous race and Evo might be short for evolution after all, but too late to have any effect.  In 5^th place with 507 points we have Jody Scheckter doing more for the image of South Africa than apartheid ever did.  In 4^th place with 514 points we have Pedro Leatherland returning to form with his ninth top ten finish so far and he now has bigger dreams than a pubescent teenage boy dreaming of Pamela Anderson.

Who are those on the podium that are happier than a pig in something extremely smelly and sticky?  In 3^rd place with 516 points we have Robbie The Reindeer making the podium again and bouncing along with a smile bigger than Beyonce’s booty.  In 2^nd place with 522 points we have Fellside Fools rising from the abyss of previous appearances to a position unattainable without divine intervention.  Amazingly, taking the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner with 552 points is Homer Doh! who has done nothing all season and now appears out of nowhere like a traffic warden when your meter time has just expired.

In the overall standings whose standing is lower than an energy company that’s just raised it’s prices?  Rising to 107^th place with 5699 points we have Stuart Gunn making a last desperate bid for freedom.  Rising to 108^th place with 5686 points we have Victoria Concordia Crescit whose team name is missing the word Minimus.  Finally slipping into the abyss in 109^th place with 5683 points we have Flip Me Again getting his just deserts for a season of unmitigated dross.  Dropping one place to 110^th place with 5571 points we have Blanche making a less than determined effort to avoid ignominy.  In 111^th place with 5561 points we have Charlie Max Gallagher delighted to be consistently out-performing his Dad now as they both get older.  In 112^th place with 5557 points we have Larry's Shirt which if the second word was one letter less would describe his performance this season.  In 113^th place with 5550 points we have Peter Baker who is approaching he age where ‘happy hour’ to him means having a nap.

Now, which triumvirate are occupying the inverse podium of shame now?  Climbing to 114^th place with 5445 points we have Hezza's Heroes 2 whose performance this season has been a mix of awesome and beautiful…it’s been awful.  Anchored in 115^th place with 5396 points we have Pedro Gallagher losing the plot, his hair, and the respect of his offspring.  Finally, still in last place, with 5144 points we have Baja Scoch who is finding this more painful and embarrassing than a back, sack and crack wax.

Now, whose hopes are higher than my hopes for Newcastle United this season?  Slipping to 10^th place with 7728 points we have David Parkin enjoying more luck than a badger in the cull.  Rising to an amazing 9^th place with 7740 points we have Robbies Banger rising to a height he’s never previously managed without the aid of a ladder.  Rising to 8^th place with 7779 points we have Paul Szomoru finding this easier than spelling his name after five pints.  Rising to finally eat at the top table in 7^th with 7845 points we have Cymru F1 showing that just because he’s Welsh doesn’t make him a bad person.  In joint 5^th place with 7870 points we have Ayr Town Centre and Stop Up Villa a partnership more deadly than six pints of lager and a vindaloo curry.  Dropping off the podium to 4^th place with 7938 points we have Houghton Bird who is proof that the trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

Our podium dancers this time have changed again.  Returning to the top table in 3^rd place with 8053 points we have Pedro Leatherland finally making a podium without having to take his clothes off and dance.  Still in 2^nd place with 8170 points we have Peter Leatherland who must be thinking he is stuck in Groundhog Day.  Finally, still our leader with 8339 points is Singing In The Rain who is almost as happy as Sebastian Vettel at present.

The next race is the Indian GP on 27^th October.

Regards,

Lawrence.