2013 - Race 16 - Indian GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

IF MONEY DOESN’T GROW ON TREES WHY DOES A TREE SURGEON COST SO MUCH?

USELESS FACT:

BETWEEN 1902 AND 1907 THE SAME TIGER KILLED 436 PEOPLE IN INDIA.

 

Well, autumn didn’t last very long, did it?  One week on from its arrival I find myself scraping ice off the windscreen in the morning and putting on more layers than Tutankhamen’s embalmers did before even thinking about going out on my bike.  So, whose chances of glory are now colder than the weather?

In the battle of the genders the men continued to treat the ladies with more distain than cats treat most people, winning by 423 points to 415.  In the overall race the men now lead the ladies by 7289 points to 7056, thus maintaining their view that girls are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy.

Our parade of delinquents contains the usual suspects.  In joint 106^th place with 291 points we have Brazil or Bust appearing at the opposite end of the table to his previous appearance this season but a position he has occupied with distinction for decades, and Carbon Leither making his debut and wishing the saying better late than never had never been penned as in this position he wishes it was never.  In 108^th place with 284 points we have Bad Day At Work coming back again like an itch that irritatingly can’t be scratched.  In 109^th place with 272 points we have Mean Machine 00 who believes that all publicity is good publicity, or that’s his excuse for returning to the dungeons again.  In 110^th place with 268 points we have Peter Baker who needs this like RMS Titanic needed the iceberg.  In 111^th place with 256 points we have Honey, Honey claiming this is because he’s been infected by Varroa mites which are destroying his brain cells…as if they’d survive on so little.  In 112^th place with 253 points we have Mack the Knife who needs to sharpen her act if she’s going to cut the mustard.  In 113^th place with 237 points we have Stew the Brew reappearing after an eon, so this brew’s definitely gone stone cold.

 

Occupying the inverse podium of shame in 114^th place with 222 points we have Bullet Proof Bomb who has been here more times than a drunk’s been to a bar.  In 115^th place with 191 points we have Dan Johnston a regular who puts the wart into stalwart.  Finally, in last place again with 176 points we have Parking at Rascasse achieving a hat trick of fabulous failures.

Now, who’s suddenly happier than an economist with a correct forecast, no matter how highly improbable that is?  We have four debutants, starting with 10^th place where with 551 points we have At Risk who is no longer at risk as his hope of avoiding public scrutiny is blown away and he is exposed and in danger of getting frostbite.  In 9^th place with 555 points we have N-Gine also making his debut by revving up and roaring to his best performance yet.  In 8^th place with 558 points we have Whickham Racers finally making the top table after dragging his sorry ass around near the bottom all season.  In joint 6^th place with 559 we have Erik The Elephant, one of our regular pilgrims, and Fury making her debut and putting the grim into pilgrim.  Debuting in 5^th place with 563 points we have Cannonball exploding on the scene like a firework show.  In 4^th place again with 600 points we have Pedro Leatherland continuing to assault the higher reaches like a trebuchet.

Who are those on the podium that are happier than a Lottery winner on Saturday night?  In 3^rd place with 607 points we have Paul Szomoru returning after an absence that has all but ruined his chances of greater glory.  In 2^nd place with 619 points we have Charlton's Chumps who regards this position as his greatest glory.  Taking the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner with 628 points is Free To Those Who Can Afford It finally making it to the top of the pile, thus proving that his team is not a pile.

In the overall standings whose standing is lower than a dwarf coal miner?  Remaining in 107^th place with 6091 points we have Stuart Gunn waving a white flag in surrender.  Dropping to 108^th place with 6080 points we have Mean Machine 00 satisfying his masochistic streak by returning for more flagellation.  Continuing his efforts to escape from the abyss and rising to 109^th place with 6066 points we have Charlie Max Gallagher rising almost as fast as he’s growing.  Rising to 110^th place with 6056 points we have Larry's Shirt being louder than the shirt, if that were possible.  Dropping to 111^th place with 6009 points we have Flip Me Again spinning more than a tiddle that’s been squidged by a wink.  Slipping again to 112^th place with 6006 points we have Blanche who now has a haunted appearance that would get her a part in A Christmas Carol.  Escaping the pit of doom and rising to 113^th place with 5878 points we have Pedro Gallagher climbing but still lagging far behind his infant offspring who is learning to run faster than his Dad.

Which triumvirate are occupying the inverse podium of shame now?  Remaining in 114^th place with 5870 points we have Hezza's Heroes 2 whose season is over, but that’s been the case since she came last in China in mid-April.  Collapsing to 115^th place with 5818 points we have Peter Baker who would have to be Peter Parker if he was to stand any chance of getting out of this web of despair.  Finally, still in last place, with 5593 points we have Baja Scoch my new near neighbour, but that’s as close as he’s going to get to me this season.

Now, whose hopes are higher than George Osborne’s for a faster economic recovery?  Dropping to 10^th place with 8211 points we have Robbies Banger Racing continuing to perform at a level higher than his ability.  Slumping to 9^th place with 8265 points we have Stop Up Villa, a position Villa would love to have as they continue their own slump this season.  Jumping to 8^th place with 8280 points we have Erik The Elephant, and jumping is something elephants are not supposed to be able to do.  Slipping again to 7^th with 8383 points we have Houghton Bird who is losing her grip, something she hopes doesn’t happen to her underwear elastic.  Rising to joint 5^th place with 8386 points we have Cymru F1 continuing to make more sense than the Welsh language does to me, and Paul Szomoru making a late attempt to reclaim the pinnacle he occupied for one race.  Climbing again to 4^th place with 8407 points we have Ayr Town Centre banning double yellow lines as he desperately searches for inspiration like drivers search for parking spaces.

Our podium dancers are unchanged this time.  In 3^rd place with 8653 points we have Pedro Leatherland getting closer to his creator, emulating the monster in Frankenstein.  Still in 2^nd place with 8674 points we have Peter Leatherland also closing the gap but starting to feel like Buzz Aldrin.  Finally, still our leader with 8780 points is Singing In The Rain who is starting to feel like Buzz Lightyear and not just because they both have a shiny dome.

The next race is the Abu Dhabi GP on 3^rd November.

Regards,

Lawrence.