2013 - Race 18 - United States GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

DO PILOTS TAKE CRASH COURSES?

USELESS FACT:

JIMMY CARTER WAS THE FIRST U.S. PRESIDENT TO BE BORN IN A HOSPITAL.

 

I am thinking of changing Lady Audrey’s nickname to Cleopatra because she is increasingly talking to me in what I can only describe as verbal hieroglyphics.  Example: “When we go to, you know, we need to take the thingy for the whatsit.”  An Oxbridge professor of modern, ancient or dead languages would find it impossible to translate that into anything legible or useful, and even Joda, if presented with that, couldn’t tell you if it came from this galaxy, let alone our universe.  Somehow I’m expected to translate and understand the inner workings of Cleopatra’s verbal hieroglyphics without the aid of a Ouija board or a medium.  Speaking of talking rubbish, here’s my next instalment.

In the battle of the genders, the men, in spite of the restraining order against them, battered the ladies again, winning by 492 points to 464.  In the overall race the men now lead the ladies by 8252 points to 7957, thus maintaining their view that girls are like men standing on their head…they see all the same things but the wrong way.

Our parade of delinquents contains one new accused who has evaded detection until now.  In 107^th place with 371 points we have Mark Thompson performing slightly better than the last race, which is like saying that having chickenpox is slightly better than having mumps.  Finally making his debut in 108^th place with 367 points we have Maltese Falcon not so much swooping into the picture, more plummeting to earth like a shot pheasant on the glorious 12^th.  In joint 109^th place with 357 points we have Blanche and Dannielle Johnston, two ladies with a performance that makes me laugh more than French and Saunders.  In 111^th place with 341 points we have Baja Scoch who needs this like the Titanic needed a bigger iceberg.  In 112^th place with 340 points we have Michael Maughan who is not fazed by this as he was phased out of the running long ago.  In 113^th place with 331 points we have Stuart Gunn backfiring again.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame in 114^th place with 310 points we have Peter Baker performing like unleavened bread and failing to rise.  In 115^th place with 276 points we have Pedro Gallagher continuing to perform like a good Dad and boost his infant son’s self-esteem by letting him win their personal duel.  Finally, in last place again with 271 points we have Hezza's Heroes 2 who now has the unenviable record of being the only entrant not to have a single finish in the top half this season and now has one last chance to shed that badge of shame.

Now, who’s suddenly happier than a fireman on a rainy day?   In 10^th place with 580 points we have Do'nut Donnelly who says you can make a fancy doughnut by sellotaping two croissants together and sprinkling them with sugar.  In 9^th place with 591 points we have Thank You Ke-mo Sah-bee whose chances of glory have slowly eroded, like his teeth.  In 8^th place with 593 points we have Robbie The Reindeer doing better than a UN Peace Envoy in the Middle East.  In 7^th place with 594 points we have Homer Doh! performing better than his favourite beer…Duff.  In 6^th place with 596 points we have Milton De Silva still trying to repair the damage done by coming last at Silverstone.  In 5^th place with 601 points we have Brazil or Bust starting to perform with more consistency and threat than the England football team.  In 4^th place with 606 points we have Erik Estrada taking time off from the tanning salon to get some fresh air.

Who are those on the podium that are happier than a jellyfish in a swimming pool?  In 3^rd place with 611 points we have Singing In The Rain singing louder than a Humpback whale.  In 2^nd place with 619 points we have Evo continuing her upward thrust, like Michael Jackson on steroids.  Taking the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner with 623 points is Mickey's Motor achieving her lifetime ambition of being able to thumb her nose at everyone else for once.

In the overall standings whose standing is lower than the Dead Sea?  Rising again to 107^th place with 6945 points we have Charlie Max Gallagher who is now only one step away from deliverance from a curse that will haunt him for life.  Rising to joint 108^th place with 6848 points we have Shoes, Shoes, Shoes, & More Shoes! and Stuart Gunn a double act making a smaller impact than Ant and Dec.  Remaining in 110^th place with 6826 points we have Larry's Shirt who has learned the hard way that horizontal stripes are no longer slimming when they bulge out like lines of longitude.  Rising to 111^th place with 6781 points we have Flip Me Again who assiduously avoids the company of people who find ironing relaxing.  Slipping back again to 112^th place with 6765 points we have Blanche who treats a warm toilet seat as a friend, unless it is also wet.  Still just out of the pit of doom in 113^th place with 6610 points we have Pedro Gallagher who practices recycling by taking other people’s ideas and passing them off as his own.

Which triumvirate occupying the inverse podium of shame are as embarrassed as a drug taking Methodist minister caught with his hand on the till, only he doesn’t know what to take because he knows nothing about money?  Rising to 114^th place with 6552 points we have Peter Baker whose performance this season has been as much use as a hole in a bucket.  Dropping to 115^th place with 6533 points we have Hezza's Heroes 2 who we all hope never takes a job as a taxi driver.  Finally, still in last place, with 6323 points we have Baja Scoch who is celebrating England qualifying for the World Cup finals in Brazil next year by stocking up on anti-depressants.

Now, whose hopes are soaring higher than Olympus Mons?  Dropping to 10^th place with 9297 points we have Robbies Banger Racing who knows that picking on someone his own size is morally right but a risky strategy, and also impossible if they’re not a child.  Rising to 9^th place with 9330 points we have Milton De Silva an actively campaigning anti-vegetarian.  Remaining in 8^th place with 9347 points we have Stop Up Villa who always makes the best of a bad situation by blaming someone else.  Remaining in 7^th place with 9401 points we have Houghton Bird whose Facebook profile accurately describes her as a professional Chardonnay fan.  Static in 6^th place with 9421 points we have Ayr Town Centre who treats red traffic lights as a suggestion, not an instruction.  Remaining in 5^th place with 9491 points we have Paul Szomoru who is thinking of celebrating the end of the recession with a new credit card.  Stationary in 4^th place with 9493 points we have Cymru F1 who wishes that his large golf handicap allowed him to park in disabled spaces.

Our podium dancers have shuffled around slightly again.  In 3^rd place with 9664 points we have Pedro Leatherland being put in his place as he is replaced in 2^nd place with 9785 points by Peter Leatherland, the professor reminding the monster who the boss is.  Finally, still our leader with 9961 points is Singing In The Rain who now uses a highly effective tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money, so he’s sweating like a hippo in a power shower at the prospect of a small donation to top up his Winter Fuel Allowance in time for Christmas.

The next and last race of the season is the Brazilian GP on 24^th November.

Regards,

Lawrence.