2013 - Race 17 - Abu Dhabi GP Report

USELESS QUESTION:

DAY LIGHT SAVINGS TIME - WHY ARE THEY SAVING IT AND WHERE DO THEY KEEP IT?

USELESS FACT:

THE WINGSPAN OF A BOEING 747 IS LONGER THAN THE WRIGHT BROTHER’S FIRST FLIGHT.

 

Energy companies are in competition we are told.  As far as I can see the competition they are in is to see which company can raise their prices the most with their CEO’s keeping a straight face in front of the MP’s questioning the logic behind their increases.  I would rather see the CEO’s placed in an electric chair – how ironic would that be? – and have them wired to a lie detector which would switch the electric chair on if they lied in response to the same questions.  Am I biased?  Yes.  Would that break all viewing records if shown on live TV?  Yes.  Now that really would be a reality TV show I’d watch.  Speaking of reality, who got a dose of it in Abu Dhabi?

In the battle of the genders the men battered the ladies so badly they should seek refuge in a shelter for abused women, winning by 471 points to 438.  In the overall race the men now lead the ladies by 7761 points to 7494, thus maintaining their view that girls are like movie trailers…you get all excited about them but they usually don’t live up to their promises.

Our parade of delinquents contains some unusual suspects.  In 107^th place with 368 points we have A Taste Of Honey finally performing past his sell by date.  Finally making his debut in 108^th place with 359 points we have Bantha Fodder with a performance that is more burdensome than even a Bantha could manage to carry across the galaxy.  In 109^th place with 345 points we have Flowery Quest reappearing like a snowdrop after the snow.  In 110^th place with 333 points we have ROM who has been up and down more times than the lifts in the MetroCentre.  In joint 111^th place with 307 points we have Beast Basher and Mark Thompson, an uglier version of The Hairy Bikers.  In 113^th place with 281 points we have Mackaroony going soft and round the bend like an overripe banana.

Occupying the inverse podium of shame in 114^th place with 259 points we have Shoes, Shoes, Shoes, & More Shoes! going down faster than Barratts Shoes.  In 115^th place with 251 points we have Dannielle Johnston who replaces her less fragrant other half in this position, thus displaying loyalty above and beyond anything stated in the marriage vows.  Finally, in last place again with 248 points we have Kerrie Goodall 1 repeating her nemesis performance.

Now, who’s suddenly happier than Santa Claus on Boxing Day?   We have four debutants, starting with 10^th place where with 562 points we have Honey, Honey moving faster than tinsel at Christmas.  In 9^th place with 567 points we have Pedro Leatherland with an amazing eleventh top ten finish in the last thirteen races.  In joint 7^th place with 569 we have Donnelly's Danglers and Fury, the strangest double act since Wallace and Gromit, and I know who’s wearing the wrong trousers.  In 6^th place with 570 points we have Singing In The Rain warbling merrily in the shower, if not in tune.  Debuting in 5^th place with 572 points we have F1HFH who, having now finally paid, gets the recognition he’s craved all season, proving to him that there is a God.  In 4^th place again with 578 points we have Brazil or Bust hoping to finish the season in a final blaze of glory more colourful than the Rio carnival.

Who are those on the podium that are happier than a Channel swimmer reaching the far shore?  In 3^rd place with 589 points we have Willy Wonka with a performance sweeter than any Wonka bar.  In 2^nd place with 605 points we have Robbie The Reindeer who’s in training for the one day a year that he actually does any work.  Taking the champagne and trumpet fanfare, our winner with 612 points is Evo, evolving and devolving if the vote goes that way.

In the overall standings whose standing is lower than hydrogen in the periodic table? Remaining in 107^th place with 6517 points we have Stuart Gunn who is cocked for action but hasn’t taken the safety catch off.  Rising again to 108^th place with 6484 points we have Charlie Max Gallagher who has almost made the great escape, leaving his Dad with more egg on his face than Humpty Dumpty.  Collapsing like a broken stiletto heel to 109^th place with 6475 points we have Shoes, Shoes, Shoes, & More Shoes! looking for more storage space to hide her addiction.  Remaining in 110^th place with 6429 points we have Larry's Shirt shouting the odds and looking very odd indeed.  Rising to 111^th place with 6408 points we have Blanche with a rise that reflects her stature…slight.  Slipping yet again to 112^th place with 6402 points we have Flip Me Again continuing his slide towards the inverse podium of shame.  Just remaining out of the pit of doom in 113^th place with 6334 points we have Pedro Gallagher who looks enviously at his son managing to achieve what he can’t…relative respectability.

The triumvirate occupying the inverse podium of shame are unchanged, which isn’t a surprise.  Remaining in 114^th place with 6262 points we have Hezza's Heroes 2 whose prayer mat is now thread bare from overuse.  Static in 115^th place with 6242 points we have Peter Baker who on his performance this year has put the fun into dysfunctional.  Finally, still in last place, with 5982 points we have Baja Scoch in a position less welcome than bankruptcy.

Now, whose hopes are soaring higher than the Hubble space telescope?  Rising to 10^th place with 8734 points we have Milton De Silva returning again after what has been a miserable season for him…pretty much like Paulo di Canio then.  Rising to 9^th place with 8765 points we have Robbies Banger Racing continuing his rise without any help from NASA, which was the only way I could see him getting higher.  Rising to 8^th place with 8801 points we have Stop Up Villa stepping up to the mark and hitting it.  Remaining in 7^th place with 8859 points we have Houghton Bird arresting her fall, the first time she’s pleased to be arrested.  Dropping to 6^th place with 8916 points we have Ayr Town Centre as it suffers from Internet shoppers leaving in droves.  Remaining in 5^th place with 8924 points we have Paul Szomoru who has cash in sight and won’t give up without a fight, a bit like a Geordie out for a pint.  Climbing again to 4^th place with 8944 points we have Cymru F1 putting his Welsh heritage to good use as he prepares to fight off possible invaders again.

Our podium dancers have shuffled around slightly this time.  In 3^rd place with 9211 points we have Peter Leatherland, being replaced in 2^nd place with 9220 points by Pedro Leatherland, so the monster has replaced the professor.  Finally, still our leader with 9350 points is Singing In The Rain who can feel the monster’s breath on the back of his neck as he races for the finish line.

The next race is the United States GP on 17^th November.

Regards,

Lawrence.